A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy

 

My thoughts about this book written by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the Columbine school shooters, Dylan Klebold, are challenging to put into words. As a mother, I feel her pain in losing her child, regardless of the circumstances under which it happened. I also keenly relate to her struggles with anxiety and her desire to make amends somehow for her perceived failings as a mother. I think every parent can relate to the self-doubt, guilt, shame or embarrassment of their child occasionally not living up to the ideals that they've tried to teach them. Kids aren't perfect and neither are their parents. However, this wasn't a run-of-the-mill mistake like your child calling someone a bad name or stealing a piece of candy from the store. This was a young man who didn't just kill himself, but committed the brutal homicide and intentional assault of others first. While I don't blame her and her husband for their son's failings, I also understand the natural desire people have to seek answers from the parents or those left behind. Her argument that parents often don't know what their kids are doing, even in the best parenting scenarios, may very well be true, but rather than being perceived as a helpful warning to other parents, could potentially come off like an excuse. I personally don't think that's her intention, but unfortunately it's going to read that way to many.

What made this book so hard for me to get through towards the end, is that the undercurrent of it probably mirrors the exhausting daily struggle Ms. Klebold goes through to make sense of these events in her life. I feel her desperation to prove she was a good mother, with a plethora of examples given on all the good parenting efforts that were made on her and her husband's parts. I see all the pain-staking efforts on her part to share the knowledge of experts in mental health, families of those who committed suicide, or those who attempted suicide themselves. Whether intended or not, it can read almost like one long, overly earnest apology for what her son did. I commend her for wanting to own her part in missing potential warning signs of the path her son was on, but so much of the book felt like publicly watching a therapeutic process play out in her life that first needed to be reconciled privately. None of this is said to be unsympathetic to her - I doubt many of us would do any better. I would never expect her to stop loving her son just because he did terrible things, and I can understand the fine line between apologizing for your child's acts, while also defending the love you have for them. It's just really exhausting to read.

Now for the good stuff. Through her research, Ms. Klebold offers helpful insights into the suicidal mind, and the potential red flags to watch for in an individual's behavior that could indicate depression or other brain health issues, and I think that's the strength of her book. I commend her for drawing attention to a public health issue that is often hidden and stigmatized.

★★★ 

You can find this and all my other reviews at: https://www.goodreads.com/curious-kat